!~Image Processing & Electrical Sciences II~!
test on 5th....
i know i should be studyin right now.. but these days... what the hell is wrong with me?? why the hell am i not studyin??? well... all the time.. all the time, my bloody mind wanders off to some strange dreamland kinda domain.. makin me all dreamy n all that shit.. **cummon shru.. pull yourself.. u r not a 15 year old confused teenager anymore.. its the tym u come outta the confusions n think abt ur career.. ur future**... i was pretty well off wen i was 15.. i knew wht i wanted.. n now.. m just driftin offta some bloody strange world.. cummon stop starin at things.. i dunno whts happenin to me.. i think i stare at ppl a lot.. i really dunt realise... so i am really sorry if u find me starin at u.. i stare wen i think.. think wht?? i think abt how i am ruinin my future...
strange... my mom seems to worry abt me a bit too much these days.. she keeps on askin me questions n i just shrug my shoulders n say nothings wrong... she keeps on askin wht i want, whts botherin me.. she asks me whum i am mad at.. is it her.. wht the bloody hell is troublin me... n wht do i do?? i yell at her sayin "y dya worry so much.. i m nt mad at ne1.. please stop irritatin me.. u cant help me".. i am so bad.... i hurt her... i hurt every1 i love.. she wants to help me but i dun want her to know abt me... maybe she'll understand.. but i cant tell her.. i can tell no1 how i feel.... initially she thought tht maybe i was in love... i wish i was.. but i am not.. she asked me while we were hving lunch (dad wasnt there.. thnk god!!) .. "shruti, nuvvu love lo paddavaaa" (translation >> shruti r u in love???).. i dunno y.. i was so sad n angry at tht moment.. n i replied "haan, main hoon.. kyun kya ho jaata hai.. kaun rokega mujhe" (translation >> yes, i am in love, whts the problem neway, who will stop me??).. she knew i was lying.. she said "kyun faaltoo main deemaag kharaab karna" (translation >> y dya wanna unnecessarily mess up ur brain).. n i was already feelin like runnnin away.. i replied "u know me maaa, main in sab chakkaron se door hi rehti hoon (translation>> i stay away frm all these stuffs)... dun worry abt me.. m doin fine.." a smile packaged with my lunch went off to the dusbin... i ran upstairs n cribbed....
i am so much worrried abt my future yet dunt study.. dunt attend classes.. n hell.. i dun e1 study b4 exms.. this is precisely wht i am doin right now.. scribblin nonsense nonstop... i really hate myself for cribbin wen life is so beautiful out there... Am i perfect?? no.. then y do i want things to be perfect arnd me?? i have such a nice lovin mom... nice dad.. n a perfectly nice sweet bro... nice frens (i sometimes wonder... m i hurtin them too?? am i being fair to them?? well whteva....).. i just crib like nething.. thts so damn bad.. see i am cribbing again...  ...
okay i think this is enough.. i must STUDY.. i MUST study.. I must study... I am not DUMB... okay..
study tyme... 
{( [EDIT] :
!~ when all that is over, i sometimes feel.. what is this love like?? obviously i am not talkin abt tht parents'/ siblings' /friends' love... why do i back away frm this word.. i am a human too... its pretty normal to have feelings for someone outta the bondin of frenship... y do i discrimate so much against it?? why do i push away my feelings n force them to suicide?? i know the reason *sad smile*.. dont i?? maybe its bad to kill your feelings.. but hafta reach to a compromise... right?? yes.. COMPROMISE... compromise so much tht now i feel left out... alone... why am i so angry?? m just so sick of this compromising thing.. its stifflin me... is this not my life??? y am i bein so unfair to people around me?? y am i so rude?? i know that i care but still being rude proves all what i am not... sick n tired of the whole thing.... i wanna feel loved.. wanna feel pampered... wanna feel like somewhere someone is thinkin abt me... wanna taste this sweet n sour commodity called love.. of course, i know tht i am ugly (dun think tht i hate it.. i absolutely love it  ...) n thats the reason i wunt be hving some cheap guys makin rude remarks or mayb tryin to make a pass on me **lolz..cant b'lieve i sed tht! **.. i wanna start thinkin abt me.. .. wow i cant believe takin it out on xanga really makes me feel light!!..  ~! )} | 
